CHILDREN.

So I'm failing my classes. I know it's shocking right? Now usually I just don't give a fuck and move on with my life, but this time it wasn't just that. I actually felt the pain. Like "I'm really failing that?" Who the fuck fails that? Right when I actually thought I was doing good. Fuck me in the beard that I don't have.

I want to talk about kids for a second. Kids are a very interesting species. But the thing about kids, is that people like me get scared of the topic of children, because they just can't see themselves fathering a child. Like I remember the first time I was told that every time I jerk off my kids are getting splatted into the wall, or into a sock and I didn't take that shit too good.

"What? That's what that was this whole time? Is there like a storage base where I can collect all of it? Am I going to get charged for murder here? Can I put them in a shoe box? Will they survive if I just bust in a shoe box?" Like I was freaking out completely. And even when they told me it was natural I still felt terrible about the whole thing. The whole damn thing. And the worst part of it is that I knew where babies came from and they get produced by fucking, but I couldn't put two and two together to figure out that was it the entire fucking time! And the other worst part is that I found it in the sixth grade. Anyways...

Don't misunderstand me though, I want kids. That's right. Most of the girls who are reading this are most likely like..

"Hell no, you're not ready for a damn child"

But I actually think that I would be a good father.....someday. Now that means that I want a kid, but not until I'm thirty and have nothing else to do with my life. That's when I think it's time to draw the line. And I honestly think if you have a kid you start to actually think about your life. So my advice if you're in a rut is just say fuck it and have a kid (I'm joking).

Now this may sound ridiculous but the only thing that is really stopping me from wanting a kid is just having to take them to go see Santa. Yeah I know. "But Justin that's the most easiest part, and it's memorable". No motherfucker it's memorable the first couple of times after that it's just fucking annoying. I can tell and I'm not even a father. At least I don't think I am. But listen, let me give you a play-by-play of how I see this happening. It starts with you waking up...

 THE UNPLEASENT SANTA VOYAGE.

 

Now first you wake up after a long day in the office or wherever the fuck you end up in your life. You get up hoping today will be much better then yesterday. You then go downstairs where your loving family is at, and please note that when your married and you wake up, your fucking stuck so you can't just go downstairs and say "well I just came down here for some coffee...back to bed!" no once you're seen by your wife and kids your fucked. Anyways you make it downstairs and you see your wild kid banging his head on the wall or whatever the fuck kids do these days. And then after that you sit in the kitchen and your wife says "you have to take the kid to go see Santa" and you don't want to fucking do that, so you fire back. "Why can't you take them?" And this is where women are lucky, they come back at you and say "fine I'll take them. But no sex for a week." And that's when you have to do it. You have to! Because if you don't you're stuck jerking off for a whole week. See girls have it easy on that part, girls can go fucking weeks without masturbating, when they say "no sex for a week" they fucking mean it. They're not bluffing. Fuck them and their cute moist vaginas.

 

So you're stuck taking the little rugrat to see the fat fuck and his crew of miserable drunk midgets. But in order to get there you have to take a unpleasant voyage.

 

Now first is the hours of traffic.

 

Now you're not the only one who's wanting to see Santa, every motherfucker in the face of the planet wants to see this fat fuck, so there's going to be miles and miles of traffic. And we have it bad here in Grants Pass because in order for us to go to the mall and see Santa we have to go all the way to another fucking town to see him.

 

After the hours of traffic, there's the hours of finding a parking spot.

 

Because again you're not the only one. So after finally finding a parking spot next to the dead Indian and the bum jerking off,

 

there's the hours of just waiting in line.

 

That skinny, narrowy, holocaust looking line. And it's awful, it's awkward, there's nasty kids touching your kid, there's fat people and old people spreading their diseases everywhere. It's just a fucking mess.

 

And then after waiting in line for hours there's the infamous 25 minute lunch break.

 

You know the time when Santa goes in the back, butt-fucks a high schooler, snorts a line and drinks until he can't move? Yeah that lunch break.

 

And then it finally happens.

 

You're next in line to be seeing Santa. You're minutes away from leaving this place. Your kid slowly moves towards him with delight, and then the big guy lays out a big and loud "ho! ho! ho!" like in "A CHRISTMAS STORY" and your kid takes a step back, shows the most terrified facial expression and then cries and cries and cries.

 

So let's recap you spent your entire day to take your fucking kid all the way across town, you waited through the fucking traffic, you were patient on finding a parking spot, you waited in that holocaust line, you sat through the fat fuck's 25 minute break to do nothing but see your fucking kid cry in the middle of a mall.

 

I don't want fucking kids.

 

Thank You.