IT'S A GOOD THING THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. Right?

So there was this one time when I had sex and the condom broke. I noticed so I stopped I didn't want to, but it was like instinct. I mean what do I look like having a kid with this slutty, sixteen-year old girl with daddy issues and a strong chance of becoming the next big PORN star? That would be awful. I would rather come all over a station wagon and have kids with that.

I remember this one particular time when my buddy Aldo and I traveled half-way across Vegas to take me to an audition. It started with a phone call...

THE AUDITION.

DUDE: Do you want a chance to be in a movie?

ME: Sure? 

DUDE: Have you ever been in an audition?

ME: Once or twice.

DUDE: Would you like to be in a movie?

ME: Yes, I believe you asked that already.

So Aldo and I were excited jumping up and down because this guy got me an audition in a movie with Will Smith. (It's probably a good thing I didn't get it, it was probably that "After Earth" shit.)

But there was one minor set-back; it was half-way across town and all's we had was a moped. Now we could've asked my Mom but I decided to just do this on my own with my partner in crime. 

So here we are in the freezing cold, riding a red piece of shit moped all the way to Charleston. It wasn't fun. So we're driving and driving and driving and driving and driving until we finally make it.

We were ready, or at least I was. But Aldo was pumping me up for this, taking my jacket and beanie, fixing my hair. He really wanted me to go after this. So right when we were in front of the doors, we had a tiny moment.

ME: You waiting out here?

ALDO: Shut the fuck up and get that movie.

Beautiful isn't it? So I walk in with a fat smile and say "Justin Adams" and then the guy lays out a bug kick to the nuts when he says....

DUDE: Parent or guardian?

ME: Oh no it's just me.

DUDE: Are you 18 or over?

ME: Yes.

DUDE: Can I see some I.D.?

We ended up going home. Can you believe it? That could've been my chance, we never know. But then again this could be a positive thing. I mean I could've ended up going to a party with Cory Monteith. And who knows how that would've turned out?

THANKS MOTHERFUCKERS.