I Wish I Was Like That.

It's weird talking to an ex-girlfriend. The conversations are so bland, so boring, so straight-forward. But the funny thing is nobody stops texting. Why is that? What is it that triggers our brains to keep talking to the only person we don't have the desire to even talk to in the first place? Is it the coffee we drink? The food we launch down our throats? The movies we watch? The music we listen to? What is it that impales our minds to do this?

But then as you start talking more casual, things start to get weird. You two start to talk about life and how one another is doing. This is always the worst part because you then soon discover she's totally doing better then you and your life is nothing but shit after you two broke up - so you have to lie. 

"My life is great", you respond with regret. 

I wish I was like that, but I'm not. I have this strange urge to tell anyone what is happening in my life...including an ex-girlfriend. Not knowing nor thinking about the consequences of my actions, I take full force with a four-minute tale on how my life blows and how I wish I never did the things I've done for us to break up. Blah, blah, blah. I sometimes feel like I'm on auto-pilot because some of the things I do make me wonder, "am I retarded?" to answer my own question yes, yes I am.

I find it strangely awkward that I blog. It's funny, I'm always on a roller coaster with this thing. I write for a couple of months, get a few hits, people like it, I start to realize it's weird for a guy to blog, I write about how weird it is that a guy blogs, and then I stop blogging. Cut to a couple of months later, I wonder why I stopped blogging, start blogging again, write for a couple of months, get a few hits, people like it, I start to realize it's weird for a guy to blog, I write about how weird it is that a guy blogs, and then I stop blogging. It's a non-stop cycle I find myself in.

I have a fairly rough time finishing things. I have at least four or five unfinished screenplays and more unfinished homework assignments then Bender from "The Breakfast Club". It's a terrible habit that I hate picking up. But it's usually not me that starts to get disconnected from it, it's the world around me. I always have the sudden tenancy to follow the universe and write every step along the way. I basically write about my own life, and once my life starts to change, I start to drastically change the script.

But this isn't necessarily a bad thing. I sometimes need space from this writing thing. Being a writer is a dangerous thing. Now some of you who are reading this are probably like; "oh yeah I'm sure being a writer is SOOOOO tough" but it really is. It takes you to some pretty dark places, especially for a guy like me who just wants to be funny. Like Freshmen year when I started this whole blogging thing. I didn't want to do it, my friends told me to give it a shot because of all the times I would tell people my stories and the positive reaction I would get from many people. So I tried it... at the worst possible time at my life. You see Freshmen year wasn't a good year, I mean it was a good fucking year but it just had a lot of dark elements in it. Like this one time I found myself tearing up my whole room looking for crumbs of weed off my floor. I found myself being that guy who smokes pot just to show off the illusion of his happiness, but with all honesty I wasn't. But now things are different. I now know I'm not happy, and I smoke pot just to smoke pot, not to be happy. 

That makes no sense, but roll through with me.

I was also in a fucked up relationship, which led to me cheating numerous amount of times with slutty girls, but I wasn't the only one as she shared a fair amount of cheating. So in other words - I was fucked up. I needed a break from it all. Being a writer made me feel like Hunter S. Thompson. Because I wanted to be like Hunter S. Thompson. For those of you who don't know this man, if you've seen "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" with Johnny Depp then you now know who he is. I wanted to be a druggie. A guy who gets into trouble and writes about it. Has trippy times with his friends and goes home like it was nothing. But I wasn't that guy. And it took my Dad creeping on my Facebook to finally stop me from being such a fend.

You see I'm a clueless mo-fo sometimes, and there was this small period of time in my life when I discovered the habit of me never logging out of Facebook, so my Dad could basically go through my entire profile. But it wasn't me forgetting, it was me thinking that I can trust them. Wow, I was wrong.

It was 2 am and I had just gone to sleep. My mom walks into my messy room. She kicks around the empty soda cans as she reaches my bunk bed. I'm on the bottom bunk. She shakes my body to awaken me.

Mom: Justin, Justin. Come down stairs now.

I did it. I got up, going down stairs not knowing of the time or the heated situation. I thought Devon, my brother was in jail or something. But nothing could have prepared me for this. 

Seeing your Dad looking through your Facebook messages and almost to the point of crying is a sad image to see. But I didn't care. I was fucking pissed off.

Justin: What's this?

Mom: We know you're smoking pot.

I was furious. I knew I was caught, so I was going to skip all of that.

Justin: So you guys got me up at 2 am to tell me you went through my personal shit and found out I smoke pot? Cool. Thanks for getting me up.

I started going back upstairs.

Dad: Justin.

Justin: No, you don't have to say anything.

The reason why I said that is because my Dad is a major pot smoker. For him to go through my shit, tell Mom and then call me out like that was just plain fucked up.

Dad: Justin, stop, please. We're not mad at you.

Mom: I am. How could you do this? I thought you said you would never do drugs.

Dad: What drugs is he doing? He's just smoking pot.

Mom: And popping pills. What are bars?

Justin: Oh my god, I just don't want to talk to you guys.



I ran to my room, locking the door. I knew I was fucked. So I went to my dresser drawer, grabbed all my weed, and threw it under my bed.
I couldn't believe it. I started pacing back and fourth thinking of ways to get them back on my side. I got it. I know what I'm going to do. I cried.
Did I mention I'm a compulsive bullshitter? Yeah, I bullshit to get my way out of shit, and if that means to cry like I'm trying for an Oscar, so be it. It always works.

Now I should say that locking doors on my Mom is her biggest pet-peeve. There was literally a time, when she ripped down the door with her bare hands just to yell at my brother, Devon for not putting away the dishes. So I knew I had to get tears fast.


Tears started falling, and falling. I started weeping and weeping but me weeping made me finally realize: Being a druggie, leads to nothing but trouble. I mean having my Mom pissed at me is nothing. I get her pissed weekly. It's like clock work. But to have my Dad be mad at me is like having Gandhi be mad at you. You just don't want that. So it was right then I realized writing about me doing trippy drugs isn't my thing. Because A) my Dad and B) looking back at that stuff I was a really bad writer when I was on bars. But there was no time to waste, I had to open the door before she became the Hulk.

Me: (crying) I'm sorry. You - you just don't understand what I'm going through.

Mom: Well what are you going through?

Let's see what was I going through again?

I can Barely Ride a Fucking Bike.....

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Sex These Days....

I never understood that term "I'm going to tap that" like what does that even mean? What're you going to tap her shoulder until she comes or tap dance until she screams your name? I just don't understand why the people in my generation have to say stuff like "I'm going to tap that" like why not say "I'm going to fuck her"? I know it's still an extremely vulgar term but I think it's better and more straight-forward then "I'm gonna tap that".

Or whatever happened to the good old fashioned "I'm going to make love with her"? Like why can't guys still use that term without being called a fag in front of all of his guy friends? Like literally try it, go up to your friends and say "I just made love" and next thing you know you'll have at least 100 really inappropriate and not-so-clever nick names referring to your large vagina.

Or what ever happened to the one and only "I'm going to have sex" I hardly hear this shit anymore. And not to mention the crazy ass sexual positions people are talking about now.

Like for example 'the angry dragon'...

THE ANGRY DRAGON

Davontte: Bro have you ever 'angry dragooned' a girl?

Me: What the fuck is a 'angry dragon'?

Davontte: It's when you blow your load into a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out of her nose.

Me: And why is that called the 'angry dragon'?

Davontte: Because afterwards when she looks at you she looks like an angry dragon.

Or how about 'the brown necktie'.

THE BROWN NECKTIE

Aldo: Have you heard about 'the brown necktie'?

Me: What is this?

Aldo: It's when you're about halfway through having anal sex with a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demonseed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between her boobs.

Me: Okay Aldo, what the fuck?

Let's not forget 'the carpet cleaner'...

THE CARPET CLEANER

Shay: Have you ever done 'the carpet cleaner'?

Me: Do I even wanna know?

Shay: It's when you fuck a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet.

But not to mention the 'woody woodpecker'...

THE WOODY WOODPECKER

Will: Have you ever done the 'woody woodpecker'?

Me: I don't wanna know.

Will: It's while a girl is sucking on your balls you lift up your dick and tap her forehead with it.

Me: This world has gone insane.

Now if that's the freaky shit going on nowadays I can't imagine how it's going to be in the future. Like why do girls even like that shit? Why can't we just do the usual guy on top penetrate, or girl on top penetrate. Why do we have to do all of this crazy maneuvering? We're in America, not fucking Germany.

Well anyways to conclude this vulgar and disturbing post I will say I have never done these, nor have my friends. I at least hope and think that they haven't. And I for one want to bring back the term "I'm going to have sex" instead of "I'm going to tap that". I mean that is what started this post right?

#ThanksForListeningOrReading

Throwing Eggs Lead To One Hilarious Story.

This is the story about one man's recovery from heartbreak. The name is Niko Thomas, the diagnosis is Angie, a girl that left him once for his best friend and then again for a lesbian. True story. So to help cope with his emotions my buddy Aldo and I took him out which led to ridiculous and outrageous proportions. 

Let me just say it ends with Niko almost getting the shit kicked out of him, Aldo battling a ferocious dog and me hiding behind a wall. But in order to really tell this story we have to go to the beginning....

THE BEGINNING

Now before I knew Niko I was close friends with Angie. Now I had a crush on her, I'm not going to lie but once she dated Niko (for the first time) and then fucked him over (the first time) I went onto his side fairly quick. 

"She left me for Jake Rogers," he says with tears in his eyes.

Who's Jack Rogers? Jake Rogers was one of Niko's best friends who went on to ruin his relationship so he can be in it. Not to mention his sister dated my brother. Weird right? Jake is actually a pretty cool dude...I mean Jake's a dick. (sorry Jake, I'm on Niko's side.)

"I didn't even see this coming," he continued.

The weird thing is I did. 

A MONTH BEFORE

You see we were all at the ice skating ring and Jake and I were hanging out the whole time since Niko was with Angie and Aldo was with my ex-girlfriend. Don't worry, we'll get to that later.

Anyways we started talking:

Me: Can you believe Aldo, man?

Jake: What did he do?

Me: He's dating my ex. Where have you been?

Jake: Oh yeah..that sucks.

Me: What's up with you?

Jake: If I tell you something can you keep it a secret?

Me: Sure.

Jake: Okay...well I'm in love with Angie.

My face froze. Liking someone is one thing but saying..

Jake: I'm in love with Angie.

....is another story. How could one keep this secret?

Me: How long has this been happening?

Jake: Ever since the beginning of the year.

Me: Why didn't you ask her out?

Jake: I was going to, but she really likes Niko.

Me: Well sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants.

Jake: Are telling me to ask her out even though she's dating Niko?

Me: Now calm down you're not Channing Tatum. We're normal people, this is real life. I'm just saying if you want her you can have her, but you just got to wait.

A couple of months later Jake successfully intercepted Angie from Niko, scoring a field gold leaving Niko with nothing but his dick head buddy who accidently gave his enemy inspirational advice to ask her out.

Niko: I can't do this, man. Who else is going to be as amazing as her?

Me: Dude there's so many girls out there.

Aldo: Yeah a lot of fish in the water.

Me: It's sea, but you make a valid point. There's other girls, man.

But then things quickly got worse.

Angie: We had sex.

Me: Who?

Angie: Me and Jake.

Me: No you didn't.

Angie: Yes I did.

Me: Well why the fuck would you do something like that?

Angie: What are you talking about?

Me: How could you do this to Niko?

Angie: Well Niko's moved on.

Me: Really? He has? 

TYPICAL DAY IN THE LIFE OF NIKO THOMAS 8TH GRADE YEAR.

• Cry
• Think about Angie.
• Watch 500 Days of Summer
• Cry
• Think about Angie.
• The Notebook
• Cry
• Eat ice cream
• Cry
• Wish Angie will burn in hell.
• cry
• Regrets saying Angie should burn in hell and hopes that she has a pleasant summer.

Me: Point is, he's a fucking mess. And you're not making it any better.

Angie: Well then you can't tell him.

Me: I can't just not tell him, Angie.

Angie: Yes, you can. All's you gotta do is keep those lips of yours shut. Got it?

TWO MINUTES LATER.

Me: Angie had sex with Jake.

Niko: I know.

Me: You know? Then why aren't you crying and hoping to die?

Niko: Justin, I've met someone else. I think she's the one.

Remember Allison? The girl that I made out with while I was dating Brittany Verlardo? Yeah, that's "the one".

Me: Allison? You really think that's gonna last?

Niko: I do.

What Niko is doing is typical dude heartbreak. Finds a girl with much more "experience" then the previous, dates her and says he loves her even though he's pretending she's the only love in his life, Angie. Just a bunch of guy stuff. So for the sake of this being a long story, I'll just cut to Freshmen year, when Niko came to his senses and dumped Allison, which led to me making out with Allison, and then breaking up with Brittany. But then next thing you know, Niko and Angie started dating again.

WHEN THEY STARTED DATING AGAIN.

Niko: We're back together.

Me: What you and twinkies?

Niko: No....and yes. But me and Angie.

Me: Are you fucking kidding me?!

Now I can't say I was happy for them being back together. I was actually kind of pissed.

Angie: What do you not approve?

Me: No I totally approve. Niko can I speak with you?

Angie: No whatever you want to say can be said to both of us.

Me: Okay then, why the fuck are you guys back together? 

This led to a three-day argument. Let's skip pass that. But by the end of the first month of Freshmen year there was no more Niko. Oh no. He was just Angie's Bitch. 

THE UNFORTUNATE LEGACY OF NIKO BEING ANGIE'S BITCH

Me: Niko, let's go smoke.

Angie: He can't.

Niko: I can't.

Me: Niko come over.

Angie: He's coming over to my house.

Niko: I'm going to Angie's.

Now I'm over exaggerating a little but that's how it was really going for a good four months. But then one day I got sick of it.

Me: Let's hang out bro.

Niko: I can't Angie doesn't want me hanging out with you. She thinks you're going to have me smoke.

Me: Well of course you are I'm fucking Justin. You know what Niko I'm sick of this GIRL ruining everything.

Now I didn't say girl, I said something awful, and for the sake of Angie maybe reading this I will not say it.

Niko: We can't be fucking friends if you keep calling my girlfriend names.

Me: Oh blow me. Run over to Angie's, you don't want to be late.

Niko and I stopped being friends after a few more of those heated arguments. But let's skip all of that bullshit and go to the big stuff; when Angie took the next step into her life.

THE SHOCKING DISCOVERY

I remember this moment like it was yesterday. Niko called me.

Niko: Me and Angie..

Me: Uh-oh. What happened?

Niko: She left me.

Me: Really? Bummer. Couldn't say I didn't call that one.

Niko: Oh really did you call it, dick head?

Me: Okay, don't get all Mariah Carey on me.

Niko: She left me for--

Fuck I forgot the girl's name. I'm sorry Angie. I don't know if you're still dating her but I apologize to her too. Not for the rudeness, name calling and painful honesty but for giving her a dumb made up name. You just don't deserve that.

Niko: Blanca.

Is Blanca a good name? That was really the first thing that popped in my brain and I was like 'yeah that's cool'. How about this...

Niko: Tiffany.

No, I don't think Tiffany is a good lesbian name. I guess this goes back to Gay Dan. There's just no good gay names. I guess that's a stupid statement because gay names are actually regular names. There's probably a million of gay Justins out there and I'm sitting here saying 'there's no good gay names'. Wow. Okay moving on.

Niko: She left me for Tiffany.

Me: Tiffany is a dumb name for a dude.

Niko: It's a girl.

Me: Angie is dating a girl?

Niko: That's what I've heard.

Me: Are you kidding?

Niko: I am not.

Me: Please tell me I can write about this!

Niko: I swear to fucking God that I don't believe in if you tell anyone this I will cut off our balls and shove them in your dick.

Now I did get Niko's permission before I wrote this so my conscious is cleared. Even though I basically told every person I came in contact with.

TYPICAL DAY OF THE LIFE OF ME TELLING RANDOM PEOPLE I CAME IN CONTACT WITH THAT NIKO'S GIRLFRIEND LEFT HIM FOR A LESBIAN.

Me: Hey Mom, Niko's girlfriend left him for a lesbian.

Mom: That's nice sweetie.

Me: Hey Mrs. Kim, Niko's girlfriend left him for a lesbian.

Mrs. Kim: Go to the office.

Me: Hey Garbage Man, Niko's girlfriend left him for a lesbian.

Garbage Man: You need help, kid.

I'm not proud of the way I reacted but how many guys on this planet get to say those exact words?

So this then led to three and a half more months of sadness, no self-esteem, heartbreak, and regret until it happened.

THE NIGHT

Me: We're egging Angie's house.

Niko: No.

Aldo: Yes.

Niko: No.

Me: Yes.

Niko: No.

Aldo: Yes.

Niko: No dammit.

We needed to give Niko a push off the pogo stick. And we knew exactly how...we waited another two weeks.

THE OFFICIAL NIGHT IT HAPPENED.

Me: We're egging Angie's house.

Niko: No.

Me: Oh come on fucker. I'm sick of this. Tonight we're not saying, we're doing. So get the fuck up and let's go egg that SNITCHES house!

Niko: Okay.

Aldo: Can I eat my sandwich first?

Me: Okay you eat your sandwich, I'll go take a shit and Niko you sit on that couch and eat as much chips as you can. Ready? Break.

TWO HOURS LATER.

I remember the intensity walking out of my house and heading towards Angie's. We each had two eggs, besides Niko he took an extra one. She was just two streets down and we we're ready to fire. It kind of felt like we were in Vietnam or something.

Me: You guys scared?

Niko: I'm pissing my fucking pants. Let's go back.

Me: No, we're fucking doing this, Niko.

Niko: No, it's 8:30 who the fuck does this at 8:30? This is a 10:15 task.

Aldo: Hey Niko.

Niko: What?

Aldo: Is that Angie's house?

Niko: Yeah.

Aldo: Well this is for you.

Aldo started it as he threw the two eggs like he was fucking Babe Ruth. I then went next throwing like Babe Ruth's third aunt's niece, Patrita. And Niko threw his like he was....well Niko. And then we were all off running as fast as we could with everything we had, we went down the next street almost hitting a random pedestrian holding her baby, which made us stop and catch our breath. We laughed at each other. Until we heard the sudden call.

Brother: HEY!

We turned to see a man in his shorts, no shoes or socks and a tang-top. So we did what any other rebellious kids would do. We ran like fucking hell.

Brother: YOU FUCKING DICK HEADS! I'M GOING TO FUCKING BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU!! AHHHH!! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU I'M GOING TO FUCKING RIP YOUR THROAT OUT YOU STUID LITTLE PUNKS!!

Let me just say this man was running extremely slow, so we had an easy head start. Until we made it passed the benches. You see after the benches there's two brick walls surrounding the exterior. I hid behind a wall, Aldo hopped the giant ass wall (classic Mexican), and Niko ran into the desert. But the only person the brother saw was poor Niko. But I was terrified. I knew he was going to find me. I thought he was going to hear my breath as I kept breathing in and out. But I was fucking lucky. So I waited for about five minutes, as I looked out to see he was gone. I ran as fast as I could to the side walk. I then walked over towards the desert to see if Niko was anywhere to be found. I couldn't find him. Then my cell phone rang. It was Aldo.

Me: Where the fuck are you? This is some scary fucking shit, man. Where are you?

Aldo: I'm at the desert I see you.

I spotted him over at the wall crouching down like the five-o were out to get us. But I can't blame him as I crawled and rolled towards his direction. We then finally came across one and another as we expressed our feelings on the situation.

Aldo: That was some crazy fucking fucked up shit!!

Me: I know! Where the fuck is Niko?!

Aldo: Who?

Me: Niko!

Aldo: I'm sorry, I'm a bit shocked about everything.

Me: Okay, I'm going to call him.

Aldo: Call him. But first, you gotta hear what the fuck happened to me.

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ALDO

Once Aldo hopped that wall he had no idea where it was leading to. And it led to the one place he dreads. Someone's backyard. Wanna hear the worst part? There was a fucking vicious dog.

Aldo: Nice doggie. Don't eat me, doggie.

The dog growled as Aldo ran over to the gate and hopped it. The dog started raising all hell, as lights started shining all around the neighborhood. Aldo then took off his slippers and ran until he reached the desert where he tried to find Niko or me.

Me: That's crazy

Aldo: Yeah what happened to you?

Me: I hid behind a wall.

Aldo: Wow Justin nice vagina.

Me: Fuck off. I'm calling Niko.

I called him three times. We both knew what that meant.

Me: He's fucked.

Aldo: I hope this guy isn't going to rape him.

Me: Dude, why the fuck would you say that?

Aldo: We're you hearing some of the shit that guy was saying??

When we were running this man was saying some pretty gnarly things.

BROTHER: I'M GOING TO FUCKING FUCK YOU GUYS ONCE I GET TOWARDS YOUR DIRECTION!! I WILL FUCKING FUCK YOU GUYS UP!! I DON'T CARE WHO THE FUCK YOUR PARENTS ARE I'LL FUCKING FUCK THEM TOO!!

It was hilarious. Aldo and I then found ourselves walking towards the street, and let me tell you something, nothing's worse like standing out in public while people are trying to fucking kill you. So we hid in a dumpster. Classic Justin and Aldo move.

DUMPSTER

Me: Do you think they called the cops?

Aldo: No. Why would they call the cops?

Me: I don't know. Like what if they got Niko and called the cops? Like what if he gets in trouble?

Aldo: I think he would rather get in trouble then get his fucking teeth kicked in.

Me: I don't know. His mom's a bitch.

And then it happened. The phone call that flipped my frown upside down.

Me: Niko, buddy where the fuck are you?!

Niko: I need my shit, I got to go home.

Me: Okay dude we're in a dumpster and things aren't so hot right now. Where are you?

Niko: You're telling me? Angie's Brother and step father are standing right in front of me and I think one of them is going to physically harm me because of the huffing and puffing and the fact he's telling me he's going to fucking physically harm me. Understand?

Me: Did you rat me out man?

Niko: No I didn't.

Me: See Aldo I told you we can count on him.

Niko: I told you we shouldn't of fucking done this.

Aldo: Ask him if he got raped.

Me: Niko, Aldo and I are wondering if you got raped.

Niko: This is not fucking funny! I'm going to get fucking grounded for the rest of my fucking life because of you two!

Me: Okay calm down. Go to point A to point Z.

NIKO'S STORY.

Now after Niko ran through the desert he noticed that Angie's Brother was looking at him, but couldn't go through because he had no shoes nor socks. So Niko gloated a little, jumping up and down saying stuff like;

Niko: Whose yo daddy now, bitch?

Niko then ran off into the streets as he started smiling. He then walked back into my neighborhood to go to my house until he noticed Angie's car pulling out and heading towards his direction wiked fast. Niko started running through the desert as the car had no hesitation to go through and try to hit him. Niko ended up running across the street almost getting hit by another car. He then found himself in the middle of a deserted parking lot, he ran to one of the stores as they're all closed. Niko was fucked. The car then found him in no time, as Angie's step father got out of the car with a baseball bat and was about to hit him until he realized who it was.

Angie's Step Father: Niko?

Niko: Please don't hurt me.

He ended up doing something much worse he had to call his mom.

Me: That's fucked up.

Niko: I know, now get the fuck out of the dumpster, go to your house and grab my shit. 

Me: Yeah....no. 

Niko: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN NO?

Me: I mean fucking no, man. I don't trust it, they're probably still looking for us. I mean think about it, you're with me all the time, I'm pretty sure they already know who was with you during this.

Niko: Well then I'm going to have them drop me off at your house and I'm gonna get my shit. Thanks for nothing assholes.

That was the last of Niko for the whole week. That ended up being one of the best nights of his life. Why? Because he can finally be the guy who can say..

Niko: I'm Niko Thomas and I egged my ex-girlfriend's house. She became a lesbian.

In a way, that egging made Niko finally move on. It's funny how throwing eggs can lead to a hilarious story and a recovery. A recovery over the girl who left him twice. Once for his best friend, the other for a lesbian. I am never going to get over that. 

#ThanksForListeningOrReading

Temptation Is A Cunt.

I've come to a conclusion that everything happens for a reason. Life, love, happiness, all of that serves a purpose in every one. There's a certain story on how your life was made, there's a story when you first fell in love and then the story that makes you happy just by thinking about it. We all have soul purposes in life. Some more then others. But then there's always temptation coming in to fuck things up. Whether if it's risking your life on drugs and people you're surrounded by, risking your love on sluts and whores, and risking your happiness on something that'll only make you happy temporarily. Temptation, you're a fucking cunt.

TEMPTATION IS A CUNT

There was this specific time of when temptation came over and slapped me in the face. It was my 8th grade year (second 8th grade year) and I was in a serious relationship with Brittany Verlardo. She was beautiful man. And why she fell in love with a guy like me? I don't know. I always asked her that and she would say something like..

"because you're amazing."

This was perfect. Never have I ever been in a relationship with so much love. So much passion of when we talked and when we were with each other. But this all changed at the 8th grade dance after party.

THE 8TH GRADE DANCE: AFTER PARTY

Now the 8th grade dance was great. I had the time of my life with some of the most greatest people I've ever came in contact with. But it all got a little confusing once the after party started happening and well....Brittany didn't go.

Right when we got there, half naked girls were running around everywhere. Allison and Danika were making out, Ricardo got to suck on a girl's boob, and I got really drunk with my two buddies Lelen and Aldo. 

ALDO: This is fun, man.

ME: I don't remember having this much fun at the first one.

ALDO: Don't ruin the moment with your mumbo-jumbo.

LELEN: Well we're finally done with Canarelli.

ME: That's right. Let's do something stupid.
LELEN: Alright, but we're all dating people let's not go too crazy now.

I went too crazy. Well you see Niko and Allison were dating, and because of all the avalible pussy running around, well Niko decided to get out of the relationship. And who was there to pick up the tears? Me. But there was one problem, Allison didn't care about Niko dumping her. You want to know how I knew? Less then five minutes talking with her and her tounge is down my throat and my fingers were in her...well no-no square. Or I sucked her tits, I don't remember which one it was. I ended up dating Brittany for another two weeks or so until I couldn't take it anymore. I never told her why I broke up with her, I think I just said the usual 'it's not you, it's me' speech, but she's not an idiot. I'm an asshole though. I never told her face-to-face, I never admitted to the temptation of that night. I just kept it in. I treated her like she was an idiot. Just some thing.

But there's one thing you should all know if forty-year old me came at me and said 'you're going to marry this girl, don't do anything to fuck it up!' I would've probably still went to that after party. But what I would've done differently is actually give Brittany the truth because she didn't deserve that. She deserved more, much more. She needs a dude who really can fight temptation. And has a big penis. She deserves that.

Saying Goodbye Is Just Taking The Next Step.

It's almost been a whole year since my life got flipped upside down. It started with my Dad. He died October 27th of last year. It would be tonight when Aldo and I were hanging out in front of Sanja's house when we heard the sirens go off and on off and on off and on. Until my Mom called.

Mom: I need you to come home, your Dad had another asthma attack.

You see before the big one, my Dad was having a series of asthma attacks all that week. We told him..

Everyone: Go to the hospital for the day.

But he refused. You wanna know why? Because he was a drummer. He was born drumming and died drumming. That's fucking amazing. How many people do you hear want to be a rockstar, becomes a rockstar, makes a name of himself and then dies still rocking hard. My Dad is not only a dad who rocked hard at night, my Dad was a inspiration. Or was he? I actually can't say. My entire life everything that has come out of my Dad's mouth could be or could not be a lie. We never know. 

If only I knew it were coming. But I didn't. No one did. And not only did it affect me, but it affected the whole area I was at. I sometimes think I can go back and change it but then again I don't. Life's all about surprises. And all of those surprises aren't going to be happy surprises, some are just sad and shocking. But that's what makes us stronger. Right? I'm really just repeating shit other people tell me. God is good.. That's what my Dad would always say. God is good. But I'm going to have to disagree. God is a fucking asshole.

Take away my Dad that's hard, but take me away from my friends and town that I've been living in literally my whole life is just plain brutal. And for all of that to happen all in the spand of seven months was just shocking. My entire life fading away one by one. Saying one final goodbye after another.

The one goodbye I felt the worst about was Niko. Leaving him was like leaving your dog at the clinic. His face was like a baby who just got left on the side of the road. It literally went like this..

Me: I guess this is a goodbye.
Niko: Alright see-ya man. 
Me: Bye.

That was it. No bromance moment. No nothing. Just a straight and simple Bye. But the most toughest one to get over was Aldo. This guy has been through so much with me, leaving him is like leaving...well Aldo. Anyone who's anyone loves an Aldo. What's that? You don't know, if you have an Aldo in your life? It's simple..

DO YOU HAVE AN ALDO IN YOUR LIFE?

A) Doesn't speak much, but can still make you laugh just by doing nothing.

B) Has a girlfriend every three months.

C) Loved by almost the entire universe.

D) Can do/wear anything he wants - girls will still be in love with him.

E) Has sex with one of your exes. 

If you said yes to three of the five, then you sir or madam have an Aldo in your life! Congrats.

Anyways back on track. My final moment with the Aldo-nator was just simply going to Don Tor Taco and doing the dirty man competition. What's this? Let me explain.

THE DIRTY MAN COMPETITION.

Now first you need to find a place that serves carne asada fries. Next you just eat with nothing but your hands. No fork or anything. It gets nasty. We've done this in front of elderly people, families, young children, cute girls and even Carrot Top. Okay we never did it in front of Carrot Top, but we did meet him before at the mall. It was pretty cool. He's much creepier looking in person. 

After the dirty man competition we went to the house and said our final goodbye in the garage where we spent most of our days that year. 

Me: This sucks, man. 

Aldo: Don't worry dude. You'll be back. Trust me.

There he went off. But Aldo was right. I did come back. A few times. I'm actually visiting on New Years. Yeah, it turns out he's been right about a lot of things. One of them being that no matter what happens in life happiness ensues. Okay he didn't say those exact words, but he did say something like that. Aldo always would tell me that my life would get better but I never saw it until now. 

You hear me Aldo? You're right. I'm wrong. 

RIP DADDY-O. (NOVEMBER 19, 1957 - OCTOBER 27, 2012)

Those Crazy Cats.

Okay so call me a douche but I came to solution on what to do with what's-her-face today. Either A) don't talk to her all day and wait for a response or B) don't talk to her all week and wait for a response. This is something that my buddies in Vegas taught me to do. But I never did it.

"I'm telling you dude, if you ignore her all day or all week, she'll be crawling back to you." says my buddy Shay.

This thought made me think about the old times with my extremely reckless and irresponsible buddies, Davontte, Shay, Will, Algore and Chris. Oh boy, I've seen some fucked up shit and done some fucked up shit with these crazy cats. Let's start from the beginning...

THE OLD DAYS.

(My Freshmen Year)

Okay so now we already know I was a little bitch back then. But that all really changed after Freshmen year when I met these crazy guys. 

"Bro, you're going to end up being a bum if you waste your time with those guys," says Niko.

Niko was my best friend. Actually I still consider him to be my best friend. I lost that best friend that year since we both went to two different paths. I went to the path of partying and smoking weed as he went down the path of dating and getting bitched at every corner. But don't worry we'll get to Niko's story later.

THE FIRST BLUNT.

I was at the park with Niko and his girlfriend Angie, as the guys came out of nowhere heading to the tunnels to spark the blunt.

"Hey bro." says Algore. 

Me and this kid go back since second grade. He's one of the very few bikers who never made fun of me. At least not to my face.

"What're you guys doing?" I asked.
"We're gonna get fucking faded, bro. Wanna come?" says Algore.
"Nah-uh, he aint' comin' unless he throw down five." says Shay.

Now me and Shay Watkins also go back, but our past wasn't so friendly. You see I met Shay in the fifth grade and he used to make fun of me HARD-CORE. Until one day it led to me getting chased by Shay and all of his friends. Now me and Shay weren't the ones fighting but it was me and his friend Issac. Now I can't really tell you the whole story because...well..I don't fucking remember it.

"Oh come on bro. Justin's cool." says John.

Now I've been knowing this fucking guy since first grade. Funny story about him. So it was Halloween and we were all at Marissa's (we all remember her) because she was throwing this party. Long story short, John and his buddies were jumping around and it led to John punching me square in the face, creating a massive shiner. 

"Alright fine I guess." Shay responded.

Shay didn't really like me yet, but who the hell can blame him? But don't worry I grew on him.

"Alright, I guess I'll just take a hit. If that's cool."
"Of course, nigga. Come on." says Algore.

I remember the face of Niko and Angie when I decided to just say fuck it and go down there. It wasn't pretty.

"You're actually gonna go down there?" Says Angie.

"What's the big deal?" I responded.

"You're going to waste your life if you hang out with them."

"Whatever, it's better then sitting here doing nothing. I'll be back in five minutes."

"Are you going to smoke?" asks Niko.

"Who are you my mom and dad? I'll be fine."

I went down there not caring about what Niko or Angie thought. Funny, this was actually the first time I didn't care about anything. And it felt pretty damn good. 

But taking that first hit off that blunt I knew that I was going to be hanging out with these guys for a very, very long time. And it led to some pretty crazy situations.

Now you maybe wondering what about Chris, Davontte and Will? Don't worry we'll get to them.

THE KUSH HOUSE.

Now this place is an abandon building, that we broke into and spent most of our days at. We would hang out there for hours, and we even sometimes slept in it. It was the most fun. Until the cops came. Now I can't really explain the events that happened in the kush house because well we were always stoned. I don't remember a lot of things.

DITCHING SCHOOL.

So there was this one time when me, Shay, Davontte, Jesus, and Algore all left school to get smoke a few bowls before class starts. Now it was a success leaving it was just coming back that fucked us hard-core.

Now getting caught ditching is one thing but a man throwing away his pipe and weed is just plain wrong. But we knew we were fucked the second we stepped on campus, because the cops were all driving really, really slow. That means they're looking for somebody. Then next thing we knew, the campus security is opening up the school doors for us, walking our sorry asses to the deans'. After we shared a moment. Actually we shared a few moments. Let me tell you guys something getting caught ditching sucks, but getting caught ditching while you're stoned is a lot more fun then it seems. So we laughed. We laughed like we never laughed before. This was the last time everyone in the group would be seeing each other for a while, I don't remember why but I do remember this being one of the many last moments. 

There you go, some stories of my old crazy friends. But don't worry, that's not all. There's a lot more coming I promise you that.